It all began two years ago, during an exclusive new year’s eve party for the city’s art people. Among the guests, there was a 30 year-old uber geek who was dragged to the gathering by his older sister. She said he needed to go out more. The geek, Tomi, ended up drinking too much wine and smoked too much pot and started talking to a sexy but dumb mistress of a very rich painter. Tomi told her that she shouldn’t travel by airplane for the next two months because the plane would crash. She would survive but would lose an arm and her face would look like a lasagna magro. She slapped him very hard across his face he fell on a table. Tomi’s sister was very embarrassed, she dragged him home and swore she would never bring him out again. Two weeks later, the mistress flew to Bali and her plane crashed. She survived, but she lose an arm. Her face was so disfigured when the rescuers found her they taught they found lasagna magro.

The word quickly spread out that Tomi could see the future. He was then invited to many parties and people would make him drink and smoke pot until he started making some prophecies. One time, Tomi said that blocks of ice would fall from the sky and kill many people. Nobody believe that could ever happen to a tropical country. But it did. Seventy seven people were killed when it rained ice.

News about the man who could predict the future was then broadcast across the country. Several people who then become Tomi’s closest friends took notes of whatever Tomi said when he was drunk. They even made a website for him and his predictions at http://www.tomisprophecies.com. Last year, thousands of people escape a huge catastrophe because Tomi had warned them. Tomi became a semi-God and people always believed what he said.

Thirteen days ago, Tomi made his greatest prophecy ever. He said that the world would end in a week. For two days after the prediction was out, everybody panicked. Many people were running on the street and screaming. But then everybody seemed to realize that the best thing they had to do was to make a peaceful time during their last days on earth. Suddenly, everybody became good. Everybody asked forgiveness to everybody else for all their wrongdoings. Like I said, it was a peaceful time.

Families stayed together. Some of them were sitting outside and looking at the sky. Everybody was ready to leave life. Two hours before midnight, the time that Tomi said the doomsday would arrive, people could again hear the sound of the crickets, even in big cities. The streets were empty. Then, midnight came. Nothing happened.

People thought that Tomi only made a slight miss with the prediction. So they waited. Two days after that, they still waited. Five days later, people started talking that Tomi’s prophecies was bullshit. Six days ago, people were so enraged. They went out and started cursing Tomi. Some people came up with an idea to find Tomi and punish them for lying. Then more and more people joined the mob. In a few hours, the whole city was out to find Tomi. Many people from all over the country also came to the city to find Tomi.

They found him in his house. When they broke in, Tomi was standing there, smiling. People were so furious, they killed Tomi until his body was torn into pieces and burnt down his house.

People were satisfied. The word about the death of a big liar was out. People began to live as usual. Robbers began business as usual. Corrupt police began business as usual. Religious groups began business as usual. We celebrated the death of a man who gave us peace on Earth.

@ Copyrighted. Joko Anwar. The Geek Who Becomes a Prophet is part of 24 Frames per Heartbreak. A collection of short stories about life and love in Jakarta.

“I fall in love everyday, may be even twice. And you know, being me, it’s very torturous.”
Paul sips his coffee, Arabica coffee mixed with some exotic spice. And of course, he spilled some to his white shirt. He took some tissue and tried to wipe it off. And of course, the stain only became bigger.

But being clumsy is the least of Paul’s problems. People say he got the ugliest smile in the world. His friends will never have dinner with him because when he smiles, they will lose their appetite. Some rumors said that the birds who lived in cages at his house stopped singing after he was born. Neighbors who came to see baby Paul were disgusted by his smile. Even his parents were disgusted. So they kept baby Paul crying all the time. When grew up, his parents always tried to make him depressed. The problem was, Paul was a happy kid. When his parents took away his TV, he started playing with imaginary friends. They were all clowns and the best jokers in the world and they kept Paul smiling. His teachers always made him sit on the corner and put the biggest kids in front of him so he would become invisible. Alienated from his class, Paul would write stories in his notebook. Funny stories. Sometimes, he could not help but giggling. And of course, by reflex, his classmates and his teachers looked at him. And of course, they would regret it immediately.

The first time I met Paul, I was at the movie watching an Indonesia horror film. The film was very stupid and people were laughing. But somebody right behind my seat was howling the loudest. When I turned my head, that was the real horror. The sound that the man was making was undeniably laughter but the face was so repulsive. Of course, being a collector of the grotesques, I immediately befriended him. He was sitting at the cafe at the movie theater, at the most secluded seat in one corner and I asked if I could sit with him. He was surprised but happy to have a friend. Since then, we always meet at that cafe to talk.

Paul never took his smile as a problem until recently. He started to fall in love. Everyday, he always meet a girl he will immediately fall in love with: when he walks on the sidewalk, when he buys groceries at Carrefour, or when he goes to the park to feed the pigeons. Sometimes, he succeeds at getting the girls’s numbers. Sometimes after they talk for hours on the phone where he tells funny stories, they will promise to have a date. Paul will try his best not to smile. But at one point, he always does. And of course, the women will make an excuse to go the the toilet. And of course, they never return to the table. Paul is still in love with those girls, even though he can never contact them again. Some of them changed their numbers. Some of them moved to another city.

“But you know what? I found out a way to lose a feeling toward any girl I fall in love with.” Paul raised his hand to a waitress and asked for another coffee. She never looked at his face.

Paul told me that now he always brought a pocket digital camera with him. With that, he would take pictures of the girls whom he fell in love with. With those pictures, he would plan the worst masturbation sessions. Sometimes, he would work out for five straight hours at the gym until his hands trembled. Then he would go home and jerked off to the pictures. Of course, his hands would be tired only after a few strokes. And he would have to quit while thinking that the girl was the worst lover ever. Sometimes he would masturbate five times in the morning before he went out of his house. When he met a girl he fell in love with, he would take their photos and went to a public toilet to stroke his penis. And of course, nothing left in his spurting system and his brain would think that the girl was the lousiest lover in the world.

This morning, Paul’s mother called me to tell me a sad news.

Paul had fallen in love with a woman he met a movie theater. Soon, they started calling each other on the phone. They would talked for hours. She sounded to like him very much. She loved his funny stories. Of course, she had not seen him smile. The woman had asked Paul if they could go on a date. Paul knew that if they met, it would be the end of their relationship. Eventually, Paul told her that he got the ugliest smile in the world. The woman thought that Paul was only joking and Paul then tried to sound as serious as possible. They continued only to have a relationship over the phone.

One night, the woman begged Paul to go on a date with him. She assured him that she would still love him no matter what. Paul tried to convince himself that this woman might be different. After a while, he was sure that this woman was the woman of his life, the one who would be able accept him the way he was.

They met in persons on a Friday night at a restaurant that Paul never went to. They sat on a table right beside the window. The night was very beautiful and Paul tried his best not to smile. She became curious how bad Paul’s smile could be so she started cracking jokes. Paul was still not smiling. Then, she said “I love you.” Paul smiled. When he realized what he had done, Paul had become so worried. The woman shed a tear and told him that his smile was alright, and she would still love him. Paul cried. And more tears fell from his eyes when she excused herself to the toilet. And of course, she never came back.

Lucky for Paul, he had taken the woman’s picture.

That night, he staged another bad jerk-off session. Since he felt very fit, he slice his fingers while masturbating to the woman’s photo. But he kept on jerking off. In fact, it felt very good. He ejaculated gallons of sperm that night, mixed with blood, and he became even more in love with the woman. The next night, he tried another bad masturbation. He burned his dick with a candle while jacking it off. He still came with sheer pleasure.

Last night, Paul made a rope of his belt, hang it on the door, and put his neck in it. He masturbated while hanging on the door. His mother woke up after hearing Paul’s feet kicking the door. When she entered, she found Paul was dead with sperm everywhere on the floor. His mother was shocked especially when she saw Paul’s face. His smile was so beautiful.

———–
By Joko Anwar. The Story of the Man with the Ugliest Smile in the World is part of the stories in 24 Frames per Heartbreak, a book about life and love in Jakarta.