My country is the best country in the world. The people are the best human beings in the world, the smartest. Crime rates are so low we love to to take a walk on the street, even at midnight, in dark alleys. Nobody would try to rob you, let alone kill you. Plus, we got the best, most honest police officials in the world. We’ve never heard of corruption. Our government officials are the best managers and the best workers. We never experience natural disaster. We never experience national disaster such as bloody ethnic clash because a small group of people decide to play a little game of politics. We are all devout Muslims. We don’t have sex. Sex is bad. We don’t kiss. Kiss is bad. We ban bikinis because bikini is the source human degradation. In short, living in my country means living the most peaceful life you can possibly have on Earth.
That’s why you got to understand why suddenly our nation is shaken when one woman decides to be a contestant of Miss Universe. It’s a beauty pageant, by the way. Her English is bad. And she wears bikinis! Oh my God! And she’s supposed to represent our country, our people, our morality!
There is no one who hasn’t received an SMS saying that how bad Nadine’s English. Everybody has downloaded the video which showed Nadine answering an interview with her bad English. Everybody has showed everybody else the video. After living a peaceful life for too long without hatred, we are glad finally we got a common enemy. Her name is Nadine.
We finally have somebody to mock at. There is an article on a newspaper today that Nadine may face a jail sentence when she’s back. Ok. It’s not for her English, but for her wearing bikinis. And you know, bikinis are bad. They can make men begin to rape women, women begin to rape women, men begin to rape men. Worse, they can cause a national disaster. Oh, my mistake. They already did.
The truth is, we are glad because Nadine makes us forget about our own stupidities. If we are lucky, we can blame Nadine for disrupting our peace, for smearing our high culture. Plus, Nadine won’t strike back by paying a group of people to attack your home, your TV station. Forget those violent religious groups, those powerful mob bosses. Let’s not talk bad about them. Let’s talk bad about Nadine.
I say, Nadine is a hero. Kartini of modern times, if you may. Another former winner of Putri Indonesia (some sort of Miss Indonesia) doesn’t even dare to make comments on Nadine (presumably supporting her) because she is afraid that her fellow members of the Council of People’s Representatives would be mad at her. And she’s supposed to represent the people’s voice. Her English is bad. So what? It’s not our language. We still understand what she means. Everyday, I hear politicians talking in Indonesian and I don’t understand what they say.
Nadine should win Miss Universe. If for nothing else, for being a rebel. And that, is not plain, that is not conservative. Now I have another ambition in life, to become a member of the jury of Miss Universe. To make somebody like Nadine win.